Slick Santa

 

My family has a tradition that we don't necessarily do every year, only when the opportunity arises.  My family tends to buy Christmas presents near or right in front of each other without getting caught.  This tale is just one example, but it's a Yuletide memory worth telling.

It was many Decembers ago.  I believe I was a teen or a pre-teen.  My dad, my brother, and I went jewelry shopping for my mom.  We looked around, and I used to really love going to jewelry stores.  My dad asked me which ones I liked as usual, and I said I liked the semi-precious stone items, particularly a blue topaz ring.  Since I was a kid and obviously could not afford to give my mom anything in the store, my job was the try on pieces of jewelry and give my expert opinions.

Dad said that we were going to play jokes on Mom, since Mom always likes to snoop around.  Really, she doesn't always snoop around.  Sometimes she finds things by accident, ....just like I do on occasion.  Dad had decided on some earrings, and he said as a joke we would have each earring in a separate velvet box to make Mom think we got her two pieces of jewelry.  Technically, two earrings were two pieces of jewelry.

When we got home, Dad decided to keep playing jokes on Mom.  Dad told her to hide in the basement, saying we got her something large; no peeking and no snooping!  He told me to get out of the way, and told my brother to help him with the large box.  They mimed and heaved the imaginary box through the house and up the stairs.  They pretended it was very heavy and difficult to haul up the steps.  This was to make Mom think that she was getting something really big.

On Christmas day, I was happy, and opening presents with the family.  Mom was opening one of the little boxes that had an earring in it.  I stopped unwrapping my presents to see her surprise.  To my surprise, both earrings were in one box.  Dad handed me the other box and said it was for me.  I opened it, and it was the blue topaz ring.

 

Poetry for the Hallowed Eve

 

For this Halloween season, I wrote four poems: two sestinas and two villanelles.  One of each poetic form expresses the holiday in the contemporary and ancient senses.  In other words, one sestina and villanelle are for the current ideas surrounding Halloween, and the other poetic pair covers the older traditions of Samhain that predate Christianity.  So, there is old and new for each poetry formation.

At first, it was just going to be one sestina.  I looked back on a sestina I wrote in college, titled, “The Skeleton Key.”  I was confused when I noticed it did not fit the poem’s standard formation, which I researched.  If I had made that type of error, my professor who was quick to criticize would have been on it like white on snow.  After some contemplation, I recalled that the professor intentionally changed the rules because it was an intro course.  The student was free to choose the order of end words, but the stanzas could not have repeat placements, and all six words could be anywhere in the envoy at the end.  Since the format has become its own variation, I would like to call it an Edelman, after my professor.  

This time I wrote the sestinas in the traditional format, and I independently learned to write villanelles long after graduation.  The following are my poems, and I hope you enjoy reading them.  The Sestinas come first, and then the Villanelles.  Thematically, the Halloween ones come first and then the Samhain verses.


The Revered Eve Kept Aglow

With Autumn long broken, the hickory air haunts,
and the heat of daylight is now a ghost
of the waning sunlight casting a spell in the waxing dark.
Friendly faces are now guarded by masks,
traversing streets with footprinted webs,
and greeted by carved pumpkins aglow.

The revered eve weathered through centuries but kept aglow
by children romping, with our memories haunting.
Nightmares melt into chocolate webs
as people portray their opposites, as children are ghosts.
The soul is free behind the shield of a mask,
and whispers are louder in the dark.

The more the nights grow darker,
The more the pumpkins glow.
Until the sun rises, can the dancer be unmasked.
For now, identities unknown in the masquerade haunt
minds like cauldron apples bobbing for skin ghosts.
Is it depth or merely corn on the cobwebs?

Nature decorates with spider webs
that get stepped on in the dark.
We scarcely see a ghost,
Outside of stories around the bonfire aglow,
Yet they still haunt
the superstitious, with or without a mask.

Visitors donning jeweled masks,
Casting giggle webs,
Approach an abandoned, once loved haunted
house, mocking the darkness
that dares to obliterate the glow
of the dwelling ghosts.

Dwelling within, loners watch films of ghost
stories, enjoying dangers masked
by a screen that glows.
Plots link to new tales, like a web
of lies that don’t cut in the dark,
but screams echo until haunting.

The glowing moon casts a ghost upon the ground,
Guiding the haunting spirits who don masks,
Lurking for one night, the web of time darkens.



Midautumnal Candlelight

Betwixt the realms exists the veil,
Unthickening in the sparkling darkness of midautumn.
Nightfall cloaks the sacred candles
With cold shades of dusk whilst spirits
Of ancestors crossover to talk past death
In the third harvest.

Apples, corn, and pumpkins are harvested,
and carved to guard against evil past the veil.
Passed are those who reached death,
with loving backward gazes in Autumn.
Praying in circles, we whisper to the kindred spirits,
Well willed, casting spells with candles.

Solemn is the air around the candles,
Reaping the physical crops and the ethereal entities harvested
By time itself, the wheel of the year, the spirits
Sing through the glittering veil
The dancing fire matches the leaves in this autumn
Eve, where life meets death.

Believing gives the living hope after death.
Cold rhythms flicker the candles
We are reminded that life is ephemeral in Autumn
Years, in the cut vegetables we harvest,
and as the waning thickness even in darkness, secrets are unveiled.
No one lives in the graves, known by the spirits.

To the ancestors, we drink fermented spirits,
Embracing life before we’re embalmed by death,
Reuniting on the other side of the veil.
Wishing upon annual candles
Brings peace and hope in this cyclical harvest.
We bask in the midst of Autumn.

Dreams tend to be thicker by Autumn,
and the wind carries words to beloved spirits.
At the end of the harvest,
There is no end to death.
The wax wanes downward upon dripping candles.
Night ends, and light ascends again, but remaining still is the veil.

Harvest moonlight glows well with the hickory autumn air
Unveiled is my heathen hair, we’re spirited to a spiraling dance.
Death does not snuff out candlelight – life has meaning in every chance.



Gallivanting Revelers

There they go, parading in costume.
Door to door, they do not fool,
Collecting candy in the gloom.

Waltzing around the room
Adorned masks with jewels,
There they go, parading in costume.

Vampiric bride and skeleton groom
Unite with the village ghoul,
Collecting candy in the gloom.

Skyward on the witch’s broom,
Craving company after stirring cauldron gruel.
There they go, parading in costume.

Masquerading with peacock plumes,
Feeling the brisk breezes cool,
Collecting candy in the gloom.

Never fearing ghosts from the tomb,
Nor dreading werewolf’s drool.
There they go, parading in costume,
Collecting candy in the gloom.



The Hallowed Veil

On the other side of the veil,
The fallen and the living can reunite.
We meet and part on this trail.

Circle cast, and candles lit despite gales,
Nothing blows out the light
On the other side of the veil.

Recanting ancestral tales,
Astral entities may overhear midflight.
We meet and part on this trail.

Quicker than a nightingale,
Rhythmic messages sent, spelled with insight,
On the other side of the veil.

Clinking goblets of seasonal ale,
Catching warmth of the bonfire light
We meet and part on this trail.

The aether thins and the stars gleam pale,
Wise crafters speak to parted loved ones in rite
On the other side of the veil,
We meet and part on this trail.

Top 13 Scary Scenes from Non-Horror Movies

 

Nightmare fuel is not just for horror films.  There are villains in rated PG movies that could pass for slasher flick monsters, like Judge Doom and Voldemort.  Some dark fantasy films like Pan’s Labyrinth and Dark Crystal have creepy qualities in common with the horror genre.  Other intense scenes are completely void of the paranormal but involve life threatening situations.

I compiled a list of scenes that either distressed me or were notable for emotionally jarring viewers.  This list started out with about six examples, then ten, twelve, and then thirteen.  The number 13 was unintentional, because the ideas just kept coming.  They are ranked from creepy to bloodcurdling based on my judgment, and that ranking is free for people to argue.  I was going to add The Witches (1990), but I decided that it could have been a children’s horror movie since the plot surrounded the antagonists who were decked out in monster makeup.  

Note:  I don’t like to spoil movies.  If you have not seen one of these films, please stop what you are doing, watch that movie, and please resume reading.  Either that, or you can just skip to the next section.  Also, there are some spoilers at the end of this entry.

 

 

13.  Tunnel scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) – Willy Wonka and the children board a small boat and travel through a tunnel, and then Willy Wonka recites some scary poem.  This emotionally affected a lot of children, but it never scared me.  The same kids who belittled me for fearing bees were afraid of this scene.  Though, I was not judgmental of them since I was afraid of ET anyway.  While we watched WW&tCF in second grade, I looked around, feeling concerned for my classmates, but wondering why they were afraid.  However, it wasn’t just my peers who feared Gene Wilder’s dreaded voice, but a wider audience of children was affected.  The scene was notable enough to make this list.

 

12.  Professor Quirrell’s Head from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) – Under the professor’s turban was the undead face of Lord Voldemort, who was living on the back of the professor’s head the whole time.  One of my friends said this part of HP1 was frightening and unnecessary, though it was in the book with a slight variation.  The Harry Potter franchise is nowhere near the horror genre, and this monstrous reveal is peculiar enough that Professor Quirrell could wander into a horror movie and fit in.

 

11.  Eyeball eating scenes from Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (2016) – The film is jam packed with horror movie material, but it is presented in the plot of a lovable children’s movie.  Samuel L. Jackson’s role as Barron has similar abilities to the T-1000 in Terminator 2, making him intimidating enough without him eating children’s eyeballs.  There is a scene where Barron and his evil accolades are consuming eyeballs in a dining room table feast as if they were delicacies.  This was all in attempts to regain human form in the least humane way.

 

10.  Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth (2006) - This guy belongs in a horror movie, not just a dark fantasy.  A silent monster sits at the head of a long table covered in tempting food.  The second a child eats the food, the monster awakens to eat the child.  There’s even a pile of children’s shoes belonging to the eaten.  Pale Man is foreboding enough to make the ranks of other horror movie monsters like Freddy Krueger and Pumpkinhead. 

 

9.  Happiness sucking laser from The Dark Crystal (1982) – Jim Henson wanted to prove that puppets weren’t just for children, so he made a frightening puppet movie to prove that.  Henson was definitely not a pervert, which sets him apart from a lot of Hollywood figures.  Instead of sexualizing his material to fulfill the adult genre, he decided to make it disturbing and involve a plot with genocidal villains.  I watched this movie in college, so it did not bother me, but it frightened one of my childhood friends, specifically the following scene.  The Skeksis capture people and force them to receive a red light beam from the dark crystal itself.  It saps all joy and transforms the captive into a slave.  Their eyes turn white in the process and they act soulless.

 

8.  Soul splitting machine from Golden Compass (2007) – Now that we just discussed a film about puppets attempting genocide and slavery, here is a movie truly intended for families.  It has an institution functioning like the Ministry of Love from 1984!  When children question and uncover arcane knowledge, they are sent to a prison with a room worse than an execution chamber.  The child and animal companion are forced into a machine with an electrical fence bisecting it.  When activated, the electrical current in the bisecting fence slowly slices the bond between the duo.  The child is rendered soulless, or seems to appear that way.

 

7.  Submarine scene from Zeus and Roxanne (1997) – Mary Beth takes a solitary dive in a small submarine, which gets caught in marine terrain, and the propeller is tangled in a net.  Stranded with no means of remote communication, the woman attempts to escape, resulting in the water fiercely flooding the interior.  She made some seriously stupid decisions, but before you judge, just know that we all make dumb mistakes.  It didn’t matter that she had a pending Darwin Award, I still felt terrified for her predicament.

 

6.  Shower scene from Captain Ron (1992) - The married couple is taking a shower on a boat, the drain gets clogged, and the door is obstructed, thus trapping them inside.  The faucet malfunctioned, and the water level was rising in the tight space.  If Captain Ron were not there to save them, the couple could have drowned.  This is supposed to be a comedy.

 

5.  Trash compacter scene from Star Wars: A New Hope (1977) – Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and Princess Leia are hiding in the trash, and the walls start caving in, to compact and dispose of the trash room’s contents.  The possibility of being crushed by walls was disturbing to me as a child.  C3PO and R2D2 stopped the process, because remote communication was possible unlike the Mary Beth’s submarine with no reception.  Although Star Wars is a far cry from a horror franchise, the people of Alderaan probably thought Darth Vader was worse than Jigsaw.

 

4.  Snake pit from Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) – The ending of this movie was disturbing and fits the paranormal aspects of horror for that scene alone, but I’d like to focus on a more natural threat, snakes.  The snake infested temple where Indiana Jones was marooned was terrifying and the prospect of being stranded down there is dreadful even for people without herpetophobia.

 

3.  Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) – Towards the end, the antagonist is run over by a steam roller, then his flattened body rises, and struggles to balance with spectre-like motions.  He inflates his body with a helium tank, and his eyeballs pop out.  The villain leaves his eyeballs on the floor, and reveals red eyes and gives a helium screech.  This unnerved me plus scores of children.  This family flick that’s half-animated managed to scare me more than ET.  Moreover, Judge Doom was supposed to be a mere cartoon.

 

2.  Buried alive, Kill Bill Vol. 2  (2004) – Most of the previous scenes were surreal or highly unlikely, but this event could happen if someone was malevolent enough to carry it out.  Uma Thurman’s character, the Black Mamba, attempts to exact revenge against Budd, and he puts her inside an old fashioned wooden coffin, nailing it shut.  Then he buries that coffin in the ground.  Before this egregious act, he gives her one flashlight.  Cinematically it helps with shooting the scene, but it was supposed to be his one speck of benevolence to Uma.  The scene is very tense despite her survival.

(The number one scariest scene is bad enough that I refuse to take a screenshot and post it here.)

 

1.  “Hoover it!” from She’s All That (1999) – This scene is scarier than anything from a horror film.  Grab a bottle of antacids.  This might make you sick.  This is a chick flick where the unpopular girl, Laney, gets transformed into a prom queen candidate; the antithesis of horror - aside from Carrie.  However Carrie will let you keep your stomach intact.  The most disgusting part is when a bully pranks Laney’s younger brother, Simon, by putting a large wad of tangled hair mangled with cafeteria floor debris onto his pizza.  The popular guy in school, Zack, stands up for Simon, by drawing the attention of the cafeteria, and pressuring the bully consume the pizza with the massive mound of puke-worthy material on top.  “Hoover it!” Zack says.  The bully eats it like he’s on Fear Factor, and the camera leaves nothing out.  I feel sorry for the actor who played the bully.  This is probably a deleted scene because it’s too nauseating.  Not even Freddy Krueger tried this in any of the nightmares he created.

*   *   *

Out of the thirteen films listed, five of them were based in realism, seven were fantasy, science fiction, or both, and one was half-animated/live action.  Four were comedies.  Two thirds of the surreal films were dark fantasies.  Willy Wonka’s factory looks cheery, but it’s a tempting torture facility and Pale Man has probably picked up a job application there.

Although the majority of the films listed had predominantly dark undertones, a significant portion was realistic fiction or had lighthearted plots.  Even in normal circumstances, frightening things can still happen.  Drowning can be petrifying. 

The only reason these chilling scenes don’t make it to horror is because everyone survives.  Ofelia escapes Pale Man.  Harry Potter defeats Professor Quirrell/Voldemort.  Captain Ron rescues the drowning shower takers.  The villainess saves Lyra in Golden Compass.  Out of the thirteen scenes, five involved being saved, three escaped their predicament, and two defeated monsters.  Two involved no horrifying outcome.  Barron and his fiendish friends were just shown consuming eyeballs.  It was just gross.  Absolutely nothing happened in Willy Wonka’s tunnel.  The candy man just spoke in a creepy voice.  Out of all the scenes listed, the only horrific outcome was the bully succumbing to ingesting the vicariously intestinal churning mass of grossness.  Though, he probably did not die.

I don’t shame people for being afraid.  Fear is a naturally occurring emotion that makes us human.  If you think about it, almost anything could be creepy.  Take anything from a movie, and imagine it walking into your bedroom at 4am.  Instant terror!